This post might piss some bird-lovers off. You have been warned.
Here goes: Seagulls are shitheads.
There, I just said what everyone was thinking.
I used to love seagulls or the idea of them until a year ago. Who wouldn’t? They looked glorious in the background of photographs and paintings of beaches with sun-kissed happy faces of tanned humans. Where I come from, I’d never actually had this particular photogenic experience and couldn’t wait to live it out once I came to uni. Man, do photographs lie or what?!
Seagulls are not adorable or calm and peaceful creatures as they are often portrayed. They are actually big horrible, rude bullies. Did you know that? Everyone here knows that. The seagulls where I live are the most evil kind I’ve ever come across. Conniving too. Really, really smart bunch. They plan and synchronize their attack on a helpless victim, and swoop!
I would’ve been in awe of their talent had I not been a target of one of their master plans. And on the day I decide to give myself a small treat as well. The nerve!
I’ve had three seagulls attack me at the same time once, and off one went with my freshly bought, amazing looking custard doughnut. Before I could even take a small bite. I didn’t even realize what was happening until my hand was empty and feathers were flapping against my cheek and shoulders. I went, “Nooo, Not my doughnuts!” And then I almost cried. Assholes.
I think every student at my uni and almost every tourist enjoying a good snack outside has been a victim of similar attacks. And the God awful squawking that starts as early as 3 in the morning. It’s like the devil baby screaming. While walking in the campus at night, I’ve noticed so many of them just observing potential targets from top of roofs or trees. I pity those people who think they are safe from these thieves at night *smirks*
Seagulls are your own personal stalkers, remember for future reference, people.
Though I have to say this, they plan together. And after one attacks, they all share their loot together. Their only saving grace. They are sharers.
PS. I’m a bird-lover too. Don’t kill me.