Closing the bedroom door, she rests her back against it and takes a deep breath. Off come the heels first and her aching feet sigh approvingly. The next to go and join the boots at her feet is the orange dress she wore all day. She steps out of it, and goosebumps form all over her skin with the chill. She likes it though. Then goes her watch that had been caging her wrist all day, reminding her of the amount of time she spent away from her haven. She climbs into bed then, in her black bra, black knickers and her dangling earrings, and swaddles herself in the blanket like a cocoon. This. This is what she needed all day. The non-colors. The comfort. The familiarity. Just being herself. The quiet. She realizes now that only when her surroundings that had been filled with laughter, talk and loudness were replaced by this familiar hush, did her mind wake up. Now that all was quiet, her thoughts started talking loudly.
I had a long, long day yesterday. I slept for like 3 hours and then had to get up, get ready and leave for this awesome lunch buffet with my friends. I was floored by the size of the restaurant and the arrangements, and I don’t I’ve seen so much food at the same place since I’ve been to uni. It was quite crowded but still had a lot of empty tables, and wasn’t loud. We got a nice big couch cum chairs table and everyone went just crazy then, roaming around the whole restaurant, trying to decide what to dig our fangs into first. There were so many things. Too much variety. Ugh. Places like these are a starving college student’s paradise. With the lunch, we got a pitcher of Berry Kiss for everyone to share. I love cocktail names. I’m guessing that a lot of thought is put into them to make them sound luscious, funny, interesting and/ or sinful.
After lunch, we went for a walk across the docks. The weather was lovely. It was sunny but it was still horribly windy, and I was getting worried that my dress was going to blow up and I’d give everyone out for the day a free show, but thank heavens, the material of the dress was thick. I got two dark bitter chocolate slabs from a shop after that to indulge into later, soothing my craving for just 30p each. I think sin must taste like bitter chocolate. That’s how I imagine it. Dark, satisfying, yet bitter. Some people wanted to go shopping then, so I just picked up a few shorts at this store, went to one of the changing rooms, took off my boots and sat there for almost 20 minutes trying to gather my thoughts in the quiet and rest my feet at the same time. I wonder if many people just do that. Escape into a trial room while on a hectic shopping spree to get away from the world for sometime. Anyway, we ended up going to the beach after that, and I really, really wanted a banana ice cream again but the shop was too far, so I made my peace and released my frustration by cursing at the hungry hoards of seagulls nearby. After this, we decided to go to a pub called King and Queen. It seemed like no one wanted to go back home, as if everyone was avoiding facing the reality of dissertations and project submissions looming, and would rather waste away the evening doing nothing than face their empty rooms and their guilt. The pub was pretty neat. The bouncer outside asked me and one of my friends if we were really over 18, though and that was just annoying! “I am 23, Sir, and I’m a postgrad student,” I told him, insulted that no one believes that anywhere I go. I showed him my ID, and he was like, “Ohh surprising,” but he winked at us and told us to have a smashing night, so I forgave him. Once inside, we got Screaming Orgasms (I really need to know how they come up with these cocktail names) which were really awesome, as I imagined they would be 😀 I had an Alabama Slammer later which was yum as well. I took a sip of Sex on the Beach which a friend had ordered, and it was interesting and breezy, just like I imagine the actual thing would be like. We played two drinking games the whole time. The first was “Two truths and a lie” and the other one “Paranoia”. The second one was really fun, and everyone was buzzed by then, so it was a bit outrageous, dirty and funny. The rules of the game were like this: a person has to whisper a question into their neighbor’s ear, and the neighbor has to announce the answer to the table, and the answer has to be the name of a person in the group or someone they all know, and if anyone wants to know what the question was, they have to take a sip of their drink. Lots of hilarious stuff came out. Some of it though, was really nice and sweet to hear. For example, a friend said that if she were stuck on an island for the rest of her life, she’s most likely to choose me to be her companion, the reason being that I talk a lot and she’d be entertained her whole life. I also found out that another friend trusts me the most out of all of us. And that another wanted to be my friend from the instant she met me. These things surprised me. A lot. And I wonder if all of those who said them realize I’m never going to forget how it made me feel, all warm and fuzzy, to hear it out loud.
Well, that was our evening. And the moment I got back, I wanted to crash. I thought a lot throughout the day whenever my surroundings went quiet. When I got home, I felt sort of laughed out and for some reason, felt on the verge of tears. I wanted my dark world back. I really like colors. I’ve only discovered them recently, I think. And the company of friends. I’ve never had many before. I like that too. But, I think, I’ll always return back to the darkness. I find comfort in it. I don’t know if it’s healthy or not, but I just need it to be there. And the quiet and only myself to talk to. My mind slowly chugged back to power. I felt a weird kind of guilt. At having spent the whole day outside, when I had so much work pending. I didn’t spend much money as it was very well budgeted, so I didn’t feel guilty about that. I felt sort of lost too. I felt like I needed to be in arms that covered my back, tucked into a warm body and I just wanted to fall asleep like that. Pillow style.
I have no idea what I’ve been writing for the past hour in pauses and gaps. There’s no head or tails to this post. It’s not even a proper rambling. It’s detached and broken, and in loops here and there, just like me. My mind is too much muddled up, tired and Orgasmed out from yesterday. I just wanted to put all this out there because I was wondering how many people feel the same way: their thoughts asleep when they’re surrounded by people or are lost in a crowd. Their minds being switched on, and the silhouetted and vague forms their thoughts had been all day, taking vivid forms and getting solidified only in the quiet.
I feel that my mind bursts into colors in the dark, and maybe goes black and white when there are too many hues, lots of noise and human figures surrounding me. Familiarity and darkness are things I return to, and then sigh in relief as soon as I’m enveloped by them.
She is shivering, her hands shaking, her whole body shaking. “What is happening?,” she thinks aloud and then she buries her head in her pillow, wishing it could be a human pillow instead. Her phone buzzes then. It’s her human pillow, getting up from his restless sleep. Her mind starts calming down again, only to be replaced by mindstorms the next minute.
PS. Here’s a photo collage that kind of represents my whole day yesterday 🙂